This post is written by Lucille, a staff writer for My Broken Coin.
God and I have had an on/off relationship , like many of my relationships. It’s tough love. God is perfect; I am not; but he allows me to bask in the rays of love now and then. He’s all knowing and all seeing and I’m just blinded by his power. I don’t see what he sees so whenever I ask for something he knows better. “Anything you can do, I can do better,” doesn’t apply here. God doesn’t play games with mortals but he sure has a wicked sense of humour.
God is supposed to be a positive being yet he says “no” to my whims and fancies. On the few occasions that he says “yes” then I know that God is a woman. It’s gender thing, men love to say “no” (and spoil the party) and women just want to say “yes” to every designer thing that comes their way.
If God is love then he takes long vacations. I’ve felt his absence many times in my life. Feeling unloved distorts your emotional vision. In the dark moments, I crave for comfort and escape into a fantasy world where love and warmth come attached with a price tag.
I used shoes, clothes and cosmetics to get through the emotional dramas in my life whilst neglecting my spirit. New and shiny things are a distraction and they do make me happy….yes they really do. God wasn’t convinced.
I guess I was always looking for a hero; someone who’d save me from myself. There were a few likely candidates but I was too insecure to trust them completely. Timeless wisdom says “love like you’ve never been hurt, dance as if no one’s watching and shop as if your Louboutin’s aren’t killing you” – I couldn’t…. I was a fraud.
During trying times, God was watching over me but he must have been shaking his head in disapproval knowing that I was crashing headlong into disaster. But since he gave me free will, I thought I’d show him that he was wrong and I was right.
As you know, God never makes a mistake but he certainly allowed me to – many of them – for a very long time – until I decided it was enough. I had to stop the less than loving things I’d heap upon myself, the biggie was allowing people to walk all over me.
When I eventually asserted myself, I made enemies. God may be inclined to love them but I found avoidance a better path. I had to detach myself, retreat, in order to create an improved version of myself. God rarely says “yes” to any of my schemes; he knows their driven by my ego and he doesn’t like it much. I guess he’s a damage limitation agent.
How does he know what’s right for me?
When I asked for a hero, God said : “No, a hero is what you make of yourself with the talents you have”
When I asked for stability, God said: “No, instability will change your misguided priorities”
When I asked for someone to love me, God said: “No, you have to find enough love inside of you first.”
When I asked for comfort, God said: “No, you’ll become a slave to it.”
When I asked for fame, God said: “ No, you may forget who you really are.”
When I asked for money, God said: “No, you must value what you have.”
When I asked for more time, God said: “No, you’ll only waste it!”
When I asked for a text-book life, God said: “No, there’s no such thing!”
When I asked for shoes, God said,” No, fill your heart with precious things.”
When I asked for courage, God said: “No, you already have, you’re too stubborn to believe it.”
When I asked for a problem free life, God said: “No way! You’ll never develop strength.”
When I asked for unconditional love, God said: “No, find your higher self and you’ll experience it.”
When I asked for the good times to last, God said: “No way honey, nothing lasts in this world!”
When I asked to be saved, God said: “I’ve done it so many times”.
God obviously has great faith in me but he continues to not deliver on my prayers and wishes. Perhaps he’s dreaming a bigger dream and my mind just can’t grasp it all.
Life is like baking a cake though some of the ingredients are missing. Some items are purposely removed, by yours truly, so that he can see what we’ll produce. We’ll mix and mould and still come up with something palatable, if we focus on doing our best.
That’s all God wants from me – my best – and I’ve been asking for the moon from an undiscovered galaxy.
Does God answer my prayers? Not in the way I want but it’s okay I’m finding out what I’m made of – and where I need to make a few corrections. “No” is not negative; it’s a filter for the impurities. Say it out loud and then perhaps there’ll be room for a few good things (and people) to come into your life…….and stay.